My dear old friend Dean Torges, whom I met when I was about twelve, is a master woodworker, a philosopher, one of the most intelligent and most thoughtful men I've ever met. He's a world-famous bowyer, and (this is a compliment from the era of Theodore Roosevelt) a woodsman and hunter of consummate skill. But presently he's building a chicken house. It's a mobile chicken house. A chicken's need for new vistas is something I simply never considered. Still, Dean knows chickens. He's raised them on his little Ohio farmlet for donkey's years and enjoys his own eggs, broilers, and smoked whole chickens. I suppose he knows chickens better than most and if a mobile chicken house will help his fowl, who am I to quibble? He's even built mobile outbuildings, mesh-covered bomb-shelter frames that roll on old lawnmower wheels to keep his chicks out of hawks' talons. Fowlopolis.
He's endured a large ration of kidding about the time he's spent with his elaborate, over-built, fanciful main chicken house. It's a wonder, the Colossus For Rhode Island Reds. I admit to being part of the ridicule: I designed an elaborate windvane for a mythical cupola, as a joke. The cupola is in place and he's cutting the windvane out of sheet-copper presently.
After all the jokes and fun, I find that Dean's chicken house approaches the sublime. I would enjoy sitting on his porch and simply watching his busy Fowlopolis. As an antidote to the ribbing he's getting, I sent him this post:
Dean:
There are burghers and builders who would criticize and even ridicule you for occupying weeks of work with this project. Your project would delight them as an opportunity to prove their superiority in the only game they know: appropriate response. Your response is impractical, disproportionate, questionable because it could be done so much simpler and with less expense. Buy a Home Depot shed, have it delivered, cut some holes, you're done. All this farting around with special shingles and overbuilt framing … who needs it? Get 'er done! Don't sweat the small stuff, and don't try for some high-falutin perfect solution because chickens is chickens and they just don't matter that much. And do the chickens care? Hell, no. This Torges guy is just showing off, making a mountain out of a molehill.
I, for one, admire any wizard who can make a mountain out of a molehill. It's not just a great trick, it's Art. Let's admit right up front that the Sistine Ceiling could have been done with rollers and a nice Benjamin Moore bone white in a sliver of the time it took that greaseball to tart up the place. Who looks at ceilings, anyway? They keep the rain off and there's an end to it.
Some folks would call your chicken house as a quixotic task, but that would be a misuse of the word's original sense. What our jolly wild-and-crazy-guy era doesn't recall is that Don Quixote was a psychopath. He was mad, delusionary, senile. The beauty of the Don was that, even in his madness, he saw goodness and beauty around him. The heroes of that story were Sancho Panza, for sticking with the old fellah and caring for him, about him, and the son-in-law, for going to such lengths to bring the old guy home. You're not mad, Dean. You don't hear the chickens talking to you. (Is there something you're not telling me?) You're not creating a portal in time or constructing an elaborate reliquary. You're building something just-so. My hero, Mr. Rogers, reassured his audience of children that it was fine to "take your time and do it the way you want to." You're expressing the essence of art, Dean: choices beyond practicality that address larger, subtler, sometimes indefinable issues. Your chicken house is not practical but, damn, it will be interesting and in its inimitable way, beautiful.
You know I don't have much truck with organized religions but recently I've been reviewing my peevish, self-obsessed elitism about the church. Like the burghers and builders criticizing your chicken house, I've using bits and bobs of religion to prove my own superiority: I pretend that I'm the logical thinker, the spiritually practical guy, and God loves me more because I don't bullshit Him. But the (broad, many-factioned) church has cherished our myths and stories, has maintained our spiritual culture, and for all its pedophiles and anti-intellectual Bible-thumpers and derelict Popes, it's kept our cultural heritage of love and forgiveness as ideals alive. These aren't practical values. They don't get 'er done when we're assailed by bad guys. They're dangerously impractical ideals. At a glance we might say they've been ignored more often than practiced. They've been subverted thousands of times, marginalized, and redefined to suit. Even so, they're still with us. Not even Dirty Harry could blow them away. The church has, probably unwittingly, been a culturally integrating force.
Now that I have Max and Luc to consider, I wonder how I can frame a set of ideals and values so they can carry them early and make them part of their character later. One oversimplified, gross solution is to say that God wants them to be good, and this is what we think is good. Why? Because God told us. Honestly, one can't sell love and forgiveness on practical grounds. They're like your chicken house: who would buy them? They're too costly and too quirky and they don't fit the observed data. The only way to sell them might be magic thinking, which I avoid. "Why?" Because God said so, that's why.
It's a beginning. And it's a continuum. "We hold these truths to be self-evident …" Do we? Is truth self-evident? Was independence self-evident as anything more than personal convenience for our Founding Fathers? It's an article of faith with us that truth is simple and understandable but this isn't always a workable assumption. I suppose that's the catch with ideals: they often confute practicality.
What good accrued to the Samaritan who comforted the waylaid traveler in the parable? Nothing practical. He lost money on the deal and went on his way. The Samaritan's ideals – impractical chicken houses of the heart – obliged him to act in an unexpected, illogical, impractical manner. Qui bono? The waylaid traveler. The Samaritan received, we hope, some thanks but not even bragging rights.
Bless your ridiculous chicken house, Dean. It's impractical and a massive waste of time. But it's just so. It's a work of art like one of those kinetic sculptures at Boston's Logan Airport: they endlessly lift tennis balls to a height and let them follow a rolling random course down a mechanically changeable path. What does it do? Nuthin'. It beguiles. Those sculptures have given me hours of pleasure and contemplation. Bless you and the kinetic sculpture guy and your chicken house and all who sail in her.
BRAXINOSO SPEAKS
I worry when Himself waxes poetic about impracticality. It's like an habitual gambler extolling the graphic and mathematical beauty of poker or craps. His connection to the practical world is already too tenuous. Would I recommend that he tilt at even more windmills with the mad Don? I think not.
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
WISDOM OF THE ELDERS
MY CHILDHOOD FRIEND DEAN TORGES posed a question for me on his fine blog, www.bowyersedge.com. He said:
I regret not asking a question of old men when I was a boy. When they told me, “I wish I knew at your age what I know now,” I regret not prompting them. Several times it happened, always in the company of assembled friends, but not once did I or anyone else ask, “What is it that you know now, Mister? Is it about opportunity? Does it concern confidence or nerve? Something about Standard Oil stock certificates? What? I want to know.”
They understood that we hung on their next words, yet not one of them ever volunteered further information. Instead, they smiled and went silent, outlasting our attention.
These old men were not talking about future events played to an advantage, but about perspective and understanding, something profound, some pearl of wisdom. This much I was sure of and no more. Since I was new to life compared to them, I reasoned that perhaps I was not ready for such wisdom. After all, life lessons worth knowing can’t be told or taught, right?
Dean and I both knew those old guys, elders we respected for their chops – skills in rabbit hunting or frog-gigging or simply making money. We saw this money skill from our perspective as boys – it allowed them to have some of the free time we had, time we knew would be stolen when we were thrust into citizenship. We saw hunting skill as God-given: a man could be blessed enough to be a hunter. Or a woodworker, or an artisan who had God in his fingertips. We knew those old guys but we didn't know much about them. In short, we knew shit.
Why couldn’t they impart their wisdom to us? Why can’t we impart our wisdom to our grandsons, Varmint and Max? Dean’s question heated up my brainpan and my roundabout thoughts have forced me way out on a limb. I must hypothesize from this thin and bendy perch.
I’m going to begin back a piece, because I believe that elders of the tribe once transferred wisdom to young men as part of their manhood rites. But only as far back as World War I for now.
The overwhelming lesson of World War I was that we can’t trust tradition, anointed authority, or royalty. The Great War was largely fought among three grandsons of Queen Victoria: George V of Britain, Kaiser Wilhelm of Germany, and Czar Nicholas, and Kaiser Bill was Vic’s favorite. The calamitous losses of a war which had no real goals or even a sensible cause were disillusioning and drove a generation out of its comfortable emotional attachment to the familiar. The result was stark modernism, functionalism, reduction. During the Third Battle of Artois (One and Two seem to have been preludes) the Entente Forces lost 86,000 British troops and 250,000 French Troops for a temporary gain of a few hundred yards. The nonsensical official reports of victories costing millions of men for negligible territorial or strategic gain disconnected a generation from any trust they might place in institutions. Cubism, Dadaism, twelve-tone music and the hard-boiled detective novel were post-war products of a disillusioned age.
World War II disillusioned the next generation in another way. It was a more egalitarian conflict with clearer lines drawn between fascism and liberalism (the definitions of these two creeds have changed radically since then). But this war caused another disconnect: the system doesn’t work. The simultaneous Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor and U.S. bases all over the Pacific revealed that our Navy and intelligence services were completely bamboozled by a second-rate power. Then that strange oriental nation kept the upper hand for the next three years. More confusion: our Communist enemy, Uncle Joe Stalin, became (suddenly, inexplicably, by fiat) our friend and favorite charity. Invasion operations in Dieppe and Norway were total cockups; we couldn’t get it right. Our Atlantic convoys were nightmarish slaughters. The attrition rate for “precision daylight bombing,” something our experienced allies refused to do, approached 100% for the tour of 20 missions. D-Day, the Great Invasion, was such a SNAFU that our toehold on the continent was tenuous for weeks. In those weeks after D-Day our troops moving inland were confronted with the bocáge, impenetrable and stubbornly defensible hedgerows. Our crack aerial photo analysts had assured invasion troops that the hedgerows (most topping 20’) were minor obstacles, only about three feet high. We couldn’t get anything right. Without the USSR’s seemingly unlimited capacity to bleed, we would have surely sought terms with Chancellor Hitler. Men in charge, systems, experts, generals, boards, agencies – never got it right. World War II was one unexpected FUBAR ("fucked up beyond all recognition") after another from Pearl Harbor to the Battle of the Bulge. We couldn’t trust anyone.
The old men we knew were veterans of that conflict or at least that time. Perhaps they had wisdom, but they didn’t trust it. They didn’t trust any obvious truth because they’d seen so many truths die quickly. They were a saddened, cynical generation with a hard shell of “well, we won on a technicality, and the best revenge is to live well.”
But we're not them. Why can’t we impart our wisdom? Let’s go to another war and another time. In the 70’s we shot ourselves in the foot, Dean. Our generation, appalled by the purely political wars in Korea, Cuba, the Congo, and Viet Nam, rejected any “wisdom” from anyone over thirty. We established a Youth Generation. We insisted that given truths were always tainted by politics and corporate manipulation (this happens to be largely true of national truths). We were a “free” generation, open to anything new, rejecting worn-out morality and polite society, questioning both etiquette and hygiene, exalting style over content, adoring the “natural” as achievable by common sense and gut feeling. We cried up youth as a magic time of inherent wisdom that needed no external input. Especially from pigs, honkeys, Tricky Dicks, or war-mongers. We rejected anything the old guys were willing to pass on.
And now we’re the old guys, Dean. We created a youth culture, then grew out of it. I believe we’re actually embarrassed to have an opinion, or to pass on a set of skills. Our young men have no rites of passage into the tribe. Hell, Dean, there ain’t no tribe. It’s every man for himself.
There’s also a cultural certainty that men (compared to women) are foolish, childish, toy- and sex-obsessed, and probably unnecessary when genetics catch up to female superiority. What could they possibly offer young men except more foolishness?
We had a liberal desire to make a better, fairer world, Dean. Out of our fear for crumbling governmental institutions and bumbling authority figures, we have succeeded in writing ourselves out of subsequent scenes. We’ve become the drones. Honestly, I’d looked forward to being a white, Anglo-Saxon, domineering, triumphant male. Nope. It didn’t work out that way. History and our own best instincts torpedoed me.
In order to pass our wisdom on to Varmint and Max, you and I must embrace the importance of what we know. Not many men, in this helter-skelter culture, are brave enough to claim the importance of their intellectual heritage for fear of sudden and derisive denial. Can we sort through thae (considerable) backlog of skills we’ve acquired and settle on the unimpeachably important things our grandsons need? Can we create the rites of passage that prepare young men to receive wisdom? Can we get away with it?
I’m betting we can, for Max’s and Varmint’s sake. We’re the elders now and though our forebears were reluctant to pass on truths tainted by their crushing experience, we have an obligation to find our own assurance, somehow.
A few years ago I sailed on a racing cruise with my dear, incarcerated John Carter. We shipped a crew of ringers – young, strong men picked for their racing experience. Several were Olympic small-boat sailors, all were marvelously beefy deck apes. The first night out I insisted that they sit down to supper instead of take their plates on deck. I discovered that none of them had actually dined with their parents and families. After dinner we had a bit more wine, some poetry, cigars, and civilized talk. The boys were astonished, in thrall. They’d never been part of a formal male gathering with intellectual content and gentle rules of decorum. One of the boys finally spoke up, admitted that he'd never really had the opportunity to sit down with his father or any other adult male in a quiet, conversational atmosphere. Then he said something remarkable, “You guys are, like, grown up. Men. You’ve been, like, around.” We nodded grimly, thinking we had the scars to prove it. Then the boy said, “What’s all this business … about … women?”
Well, what could we say? Perhaps nothing in the absolute truth line but it surprised us later because we had some sound advice and some valuable warnings. It was even important that the boys knew we had shared their confusion and had taken the same perilous journey toward love, had crashed and burned, and it was important that we recognized that they’d do their share of crashing and burning.
So let’s take this as a parable. If we can find the right venue, the right time, and if we know what our young men need from us, we may be able to impart wisdom that, yes, will make their journeys easier. This is a truth in itself.
BRAXINOSO SPEAKS
That was an extraordinary evening afloat. The boys were bright. Because they had been involved in class and club racing they were accustomed to mature men, even if most of them were shouting skippers and selfish louts. So they were primed to receive something from men. It's doubtful if less worldly and less accomplished boys (winning many races built their assurance) would be as receptive. I'm not sure Himself is justified in his belief that he and Dean Torges can transfer wisdom. It's probable that a "normal" late teenager would be gravely bored by dinner, poetry, discussion and intellectual pursuits without benefit of digital enhancement.
I regret not asking a question of old men when I was a boy. When they told me, “I wish I knew at your age what I know now,” I regret not prompting them. Several times it happened, always in the company of assembled friends, but not once did I or anyone else ask, “What is it that you know now, Mister? Is it about opportunity? Does it concern confidence or nerve? Something about Standard Oil stock certificates? What? I want to know.”
They understood that we hung on their next words, yet not one of them ever volunteered further information. Instead, they smiled and went silent, outlasting our attention.
These old men were not talking about future events played to an advantage, but about perspective and understanding, something profound, some pearl of wisdom. This much I was sure of and no more. Since I was new to life compared to them, I reasoned that perhaps I was not ready for such wisdom. After all, life lessons worth knowing can’t be told or taught, right?
Dean and I both knew those old guys, elders we respected for their chops – skills in rabbit hunting or frog-gigging or simply making money. We saw this money skill from our perspective as boys – it allowed them to have some of the free time we had, time we knew would be stolen when we were thrust into citizenship. We saw hunting skill as God-given: a man could be blessed enough to be a hunter. Or a woodworker, or an artisan who had God in his fingertips. We knew those old guys but we didn't know much about them. In short, we knew shit.
Why couldn’t they impart their wisdom to us? Why can’t we impart our wisdom to our grandsons, Varmint and Max? Dean’s question heated up my brainpan and my roundabout thoughts have forced me way out on a limb. I must hypothesize from this thin and bendy perch.
I’m going to begin back a piece, because I believe that elders of the tribe once transferred wisdom to young men as part of their manhood rites. But only as far back as World War I for now.
The overwhelming lesson of World War I was that we can’t trust tradition, anointed authority, or royalty. The Great War was largely fought among three grandsons of Queen Victoria: George V of Britain, Kaiser Wilhelm of Germany, and Czar Nicholas, and Kaiser Bill was Vic’s favorite. The calamitous losses of a war which had no real goals or even a sensible cause were disillusioning and drove a generation out of its comfortable emotional attachment to the familiar. The result was stark modernism, functionalism, reduction. During the Third Battle of Artois (One and Two seem to have been preludes) the Entente Forces lost 86,000 British troops and 250,000 French Troops for a temporary gain of a few hundred yards. The nonsensical official reports of victories costing millions of men for negligible territorial or strategic gain disconnected a generation from any trust they might place in institutions. Cubism, Dadaism, twelve-tone music and the hard-boiled detective novel were post-war products of a disillusioned age.
World War II disillusioned the next generation in another way. It was a more egalitarian conflict with clearer lines drawn between fascism and liberalism (the definitions of these two creeds have changed radically since then). But this war caused another disconnect: the system doesn’t work. The simultaneous Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor and U.S. bases all over the Pacific revealed that our Navy and intelligence services were completely bamboozled by a second-rate power. Then that strange oriental nation kept the upper hand for the next three years. More confusion: our Communist enemy, Uncle Joe Stalin, became (suddenly, inexplicably, by fiat) our friend and favorite charity. Invasion operations in Dieppe and Norway were total cockups; we couldn’t get it right. Our Atlantic convoys were nightmarish slaughters. The attrition rate for “precision daylight bombing,” something our experienced allies refused to do, approached 100% for the tour of 20 missions. D-Day, the Great Invasion, was such a SNAFU that our toehold on the continent was tenuous for weeks. In those weeks after D-Day our troops moving inland were confronted with the bocáge, impenetrable and stubbornly defensible hedgerows. Our crack aerial photo analysts had assured invasion troops that the hedgerows (most topping 20’) were minor obstacles, only about three feet high. We couldn’t get anything right. Without the USSR’s seemingly unlimited capacity to bleed, we would have surely sought terms with Chancellor Hitler. Men in charge, systems, experts, generals, boards, agencies – never got it right. World War II was one unexpected FUBAR ("fucked up beyond all recognition") after another from Pearl Harbor to the Battle of the Bulge. We couldn’t trust anyone.
The old men we knew were veterans of that conflict or at least that time. Perhaps they had wisdom, but they didn’t trust it. They didn’t trust any obvious truth because they’d seen so many truths die quickly. They were a saddened, cynical generation with a hard shell of “well, we won on a technicality, and the best revenge is to live well.”
But we're not them. Why can’t we impart our wisdom? Let’s go to another war and another time. In the 70’s we shot ourselves in the foot, Dean. Our generation, appalled by the purely political wars in Korea, Cuba, the Congo, and Viet Nam, rejected any “wisdom” from anyone over thirty. We established a Youth Generation. We insisted that given truths were always tainted by politics and corporate manipulation (this happens to be largely true of national truths). We were a “free” generation, open to anything new, rejecting worn-out morality and polite society, questioning both etiquette and hygiene, exalting style over content, adoring the “natural” as achievable by common sense and gut feeling. We cried up youth as a magic time of inherent wisdom that needed no external input. Especially from pigs, honkeys, Tricky Dicks, or war-mongers. We rejected anything the old guys were willing to pass on.
And now we’re the old guys, Dean. We created a youth culture, then grew out of it. I believe we’re actually embarrassed to have an opinion, or to pass on a set of skills. Our young men have no rites of passage into the tribe. Hell, Dean, there ain’t no tribe. It’s every man for himself.
There’s also a cultural certainty that men (compared to women) are foolish, childish, toy- and sex-obsessed, and probably unnecessary when genetics catch up to female superiority. What could they possibly offer young men except more foolishness?
We had a liberal desire to make a better, fairer world, Dean. Out of our fear for crumbling governmental institutions and bumbling authority figures, we have succeeded in writing ourselves out of subsequent scenes. We’ve become the drones. Honestly, I’d looked forward to being a white, Anglo-Saxon, domineering, triumphant male. Nope. It didn’t work out that way. History and our own best instincts torpedoed me.
In order to pass our wisdom on to Varmint and Max, you and I must embrace the importance of what we know. Not many men, in this helter-skelter culture, are brave enough to claim the importance of their intellectual heritage for fear of sudden and derisive denial. Can we sort through thae (considerable) backlog of skills we’ve acquired and settle on the unimpeachably important things our grandsons need? Can we create the rites of passage that prepare young men to receive wisdom? Can we get away with it?
I’m betting we can, for Max’s and Varmint’s sake. We’re the elders now and though our forebears were reluctant to pass on truths tainted by their crushing experience, we have an obligation to find our own assurance, somehow.
A few years ago I sailed on a racing cruise with my dear, incarcerated John Carter. We shipped a crew of ringers – young, strong men picked for their racing experience. Several were Olympic small-boat sailors, all were marvelously beefy deck apes. The first night out I insisted that they sit down to supper instead of take their plates on deck. I discovered that none of them had actually dined with their parents and families. After dinner we had a bit more wine, some poetry, cigars, and civilized talk. The boys were astonished, in thrall. They’d never been part of a formal male gathering with intellectual content and gentle rules of decorum. One of the boys finally spoke up, admitted that he'd never really had the opportunity to sit down with his father or any other adult male in a quiet, conversational atmosphere. Then he said something remarkable, “You guys are, like, grown up. Men. You’ve been, like, around.” We nodded grimly, thinking we had the scars to prove it. Then the boy said, “What’s all this business … about … women?”
Well, what could we say? Perhaps nothing in the absolute truth line but it surprised us later because we had some sound advice and some valuable warnings. It was even important that the boys knew we had shared their confusion and had taken the same perilous journey toward love, had crashed and burned, and it was important that we recognized that they’d do their share of crashing and burning.
So let’s take this as a parable. If we can find the right venue, the right time, and if we know what our young men need from us, we may be able to impart wisdom that, yes, will make their journeys easier. This is a truth in itself.
BRAXINOSO SPEAKS
That was an extraordinary evening afloat. The boys were bright. Because they had been involved in class and club racing they were accustomed to mature men, even if most of them were shouting skippers and selfish louts. So they were primed to receive something from men. It's doubtful if less worldly and less accomplished boys (winning many races built their assurance) would be as receptive. I'm not sure Himself is justified in his belief that he and Dean Torges can transfer wisdom. It's probable that a "normal" late teenager would be gravely bored by dinner, poetry, discussion and intellectual pursuits without benefit of digital enhancement.
Monday, February 22, 2010
HOPSCOTCH REMEMBERED
THE SUN CAME OUT this morning, so Laura and Hannah were out in the driveway. Hannah was drawing on the concrete with big chalk. I walked down and was drawn into the chalk drawing. Hannah lay down so I could trace her outline. This was so fine that Laura lay down and had hers done. I laid down but rather than flat-on-back, arms-outspread, I tried a lying-on-side profile. When I drew a cross for my eyes, the driveway became a crime scene. Naturally Laura insisted on her own crime-scene profile, which she got. I did two cross-eyes for this but it disturbed Laura considerably and she tried to wash out the "dead eyes" because, she said, "this is beginning to look sick."
She took the kabosh off our crime scene by drawing a familiar figure farther out in the driveway: a hopscotch matrix – one, two, three, double, six, double, nine, heaven. We showed Hannah how it was done. She refused to get into the racket but demanded that we continue.
I returned to my studio (proclaiming my intention to "use the potty," since Hannah is in the midst of intense potty training, big girl pants, &c) and looked down at the hopscotch matrix. What a familiar figure and how evocative! It was probably a game played when Gilgamesh was king. Of course it was a girls' game. I can't remember the play or the scoring and refused myself the time for Googling "hopscotch." It made me consider the flow of time, yet again this week.
When I began seriously fooling around with computers the industrial design studio with which I worked in Providence, RI, had a memory hard drive with a 2 GB capacity, a larger drive than I'd ever seen. We thought this amount of 0's and 1's was extraordinary, amazing, who could use so much? Sitting next to my keyboard presently is a SanDisk thumb-drive as big as a French fry with a memory storage capacity of 4 GB. I bought a pack of three at CostCo for under $30. Things change.
My first commercial flight was aboard a DC-4. The service of the “stewardess” was attentive and pleasant. We walked out onto the tarmac to board via a rolling set of steps. Our friends came to see us off (we were flying from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, to Tampa, Florida, by way of Atlanta, because Wheeling had no commercial airport). A 5’ chain-link fence separated the onlookers from the runway. In the air I got ear-popping gum as a matter of course. Later a meal was served handsomely with airline-monogrammed silverware. Each diner had tiny salt and pepper shakers. I was invited to look at the cockpit. It was more impressive than contemporary cockpits because radial engines need more complex monitoring than jets, require a "flight engineer" and have close to a hundred dials. The cockpit door was open most of the time. No one had highjacked an airplane. What a crazy idea. They'd know where you were going, right? You couldn't get away with it. What kind of a nut would highjack an airplane?
I'm proud to say that I received Flying Wings as a bona fide flight passenger when we reached Tampa.
I flew the week after 9-11 (I had lost a friend, Anne Judge, in the Pentagon crash that day) but haven’t flown since exploding underwear came into vogue, so I don’t know the drill of not covering one’s lap, drinking liquids or humming “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” during the last half hour of flight. One crazed Islamicist attempts to light his sneakers and millions of Americans take off their shoes. One supposes that next year we’ll be flying naked with a mood probe up our ass.
I’m one of those people who remembers early-childhood experiences, like the texture of the cast-iron crib at my grandparent’s summer place in the West Virginia mountains, or the sound of cars passing on the dirt road directly in front of that cottage, or the smell of the green, slightly translucent wallpaper cleaning dough my mother used at our house on Wheeling Island, or the smell of the pineapple-flavored rum my gramma and grampa brought back from Cuba. I remember the gritty feel and stony smell of Lava soap, always beside the sink because my grandfather, father and uncles worked in the shop. I liked the smell of Jergen’s Lotion, Lifebuoy soap, and my father’s green Mennen’s Aftershave. That was his smell. I loved spaghetti, partly because (in our Wonder Bread world) it was so exotic.
We sometimes took road trips with my Uncle Charlie and Aunt Mary. One of the trips brought us to Washington, DC. The Smithsonian was wonderful. I put my nose into the tiny porthole of the Explorer II high altitude gondola, a black and white sphere sent manned into the actual stratosphere by the National Geographic Society. The old, uncirculated air smelled musty and dry. There were two sets of drinking fountains; it was disappointing that the fountains under the “COLORED” sign offered plain, uncolored water. At the National Zoo the keeper at the primate house showed us that the monkeys ate well, breaking off a dense, sweet cornbread made with honey, bran, seeds and vitamins, fed to the chimps. When he took a bite my mother, who was definitely a delicate creature, almost fainted. When I took a bite from the keeper before she could stop me, she was forced to sit down and recover. It was delicious. I wish I had a piece right now.
Things change. My G-4 Mac computer is now, ahem, "old." The notion of air travel as an elegant way to go is antique. Presently it's a feedlot experience. I’m an old guy now. Thank God for stents, Zoloft and Viagra. And also, thank God for the beautiful sun that burned through the rain and fog at last. Maybe I'll Google "hopscotch" tomorrow.
BRAXINOSO SPEAKS
Childhood memories are odd artifacts. One wonders if they're honest. Things Adkins' grandson Max has said seem to reflect the long labor of his birth as a memory of his mother "trying and trying to get me out." Still, I must be aware that Himself can grow morose with too many memories. Looking back too earnestly ensures a stumble in the present.
She took the kabosh off our crime scene by drawing a familiar figure farther out in the driveway: a hopscotch matrix – one, two, three, double, six, double, nine, heaven. We showed Hannah how it was done. She refused to get into the racket but demanded that we continue.
I returned to my studio (proclaiming my intention to "use the potty," since Hannah is in the midst of intense potty training, big girl pants, &c) and looked down at the hopscotch matrix. What a familiar figure and how evocative! It was probably a game played when Gilgamesh was king. Of course it was a girls' game. I can't remember the play or the scoring and refused myself the time for Googling "hopscotch." It made me consider the flow of time, yet again this week.
When I began seriously fooling around with computers the industrial design studio with which I worked in Providence, RI, had a memory hard drive with a 2 GB capacity, a larger drive than I'd ever seen. We thought this amount of 0's and 1's was extraordinary, amazing, who could use so much? Sitting next to my keyboard presently is a SanDisk thumb-drive as big as a French fry with a memory storage capacity of 4 GB. I bought a pack of three at CostCo for under $30. Things change.
My first commercial flight was aboard a DC-4. The service of the “stewardess” was attentive and pleasant. We walked out onto the tarmac to board via a rolling set of steps. Our friends came to see us off (we were flying from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, to Tampa, Florida, by way of Atlanta, because Wheeling had no commercial airport). A 5’ chain-link fence separated the onlookers from the runway. In the air I got ear-popping gum as a matter of course. Later a meal was served handsomely with airline-monogrammed silverware. Each diner had tiny salt and pepper shakers. I was invited to look at the cockpit. It was more impressive than contemporary cockpits because radial engines need more complex monitoring than jets, require a "flight engineer" and have close to a hundred dials. The cockpit door was open most of the time. No one had highjacked an airplane. What a crazy idea. They'd know where you were going, right? You couldn't get away with it. What kind of a nut would highjack an airplane?
I'm proud to say that I received Flying Wings as a bona fide flight passenger when we reached Tampa.
I flew the week after 9-11 (I had lost a friend, Anne Judge, in the Pentagon crash that day) but haven’t flown since exploding underwear came into vogue, so I don’t know the drill of not covering one’s lap, drinking liquids or humming “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” during the last half hour of flight. One crazed Islamicist attempts to light his sneakers and millions of Americans take off their shoes. One supposes that next year we’ll be flying naked with a mood probe up our ass.
I’m one of those people who remembers early-childhood experiences, like the texture of the cast-iron crib at my grandparent’s summer place in the West Virginia mountains, or the sound of cars passing on the dirt road directly in front of that cottage, or the smell of the green, slightly translucent wallpaper cleaning dough my mother used at our house on Wheeling Island, or the smell of the pineapple-flavored rum my gramma and grampa brought back from Cuba. I remember the gritty feel and stony smell of Lava soap, always beside the sink because my grandfather, father and uncles worked in the shop. I liked the smell of Jergen’s Lotion, Lifebuoy soap, and my father’s green Mennen’s Aftershave. That was his smell. I loved spaghetti, partly because (in our Wonder Bread world) it was so exotic.
We sometimes took road trips with my Uncle Charlie and Aunt Mary. One of the trips brought us to Washington, DC. The Smithsonian was wonderful. I put my nose into the tiny porthole of the Explorer II high altitude gondola, a black and white sphere sent manned into the actual stratosphere by the National Geographic Society. The old, uncirculated air smelled musty and dry. There were two sets of drinking fountains; it was disappointing that the fountains under the “COLORED” sign offered plain, uncolored water. At the National Zoo the keeper at the primate house showed us that the monkeys ate well, breaking off a dense, sweet cornbread made with honey, bran, seeds and vitamins, fed to the chimps. When he took a bite my mother, who was definitely a delicate creature, almost fainted. When I took a bite from the keeper before she could stop me, she was forced to sit down and recover. It was delicious. I wish I had a piece right now.
Things change. My G-4 Mac computer is now, ahem, "old." The notion of air travel as an elegant way to go is antique. Presently it's a feedlot experience. I’m an old guy now. Thank God for stents, Zoloft and Viagra. And also, thank God for the beautiful sun that burned through the rain and fog at last. Maybe I'll Google "hopscotch" tomorrow.
BRAXINOSO SPEAKS
Childhood memories are odd artifacts. One wonders if they're honest. Things Adkins' grandson Max has said seem to reflect the long labor of his birth as a memory of his mother "trying and trying to get me out." Still, I must be aware that Himself can grow morose with too many memories. Looking back too earnestly ensures a stumble in the present.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
MORTALITY
BY MY TROTH, I care not; a man can die but once: we owe God a death: I'll ne'er bear a base mind: an't be my destiny, so; an't be not, so: no man is too good to serve's prince; and let it go which way it will, he that dies this year is quit for the next.
William Shakespeare, Henry IV
A friend's mother-in-law just died, and another friend's mum is teetering on the brink. Recently I lost my dear mentor, Matt Finn. What can you say to friends, what can you say to yourself, about death?
We can't understand how folks depart, leave the husk, and don’t return. It’s not in our human makeup to grasp this finality. They leave, gone, that's it. All that experience, all those stories, all that humor . . . Gone. How can that be?
I’m an old dog and I still can’t get my logic around it.
I’m not comfortable with churches. Despite my science reporter’s background (or, perhaps, because of it) I’m certain that a benign current underlies our reality. But I can’t support the idea of ghosts or heaven or souls, if only because it would be too damn comforting to have these hedges. So I don't expect the Ghost of Christmas Past or my Uncle Pete to shuffle through rattling chains. I don't expect to continue in any way after I check out.
What bothers me most is the reality of what was. How can a day forty-five years ago – in late fall on a hillside in the mountains of West Virginia, when hickory nuts fell from the trees rattling on branches, and I felt the soft hand of Becky Barlow’s hand in mine – not be as real as what I see outside my window now? How can my mother's pies not be still as fragrant as the moment before they were cut, still warm? I see those times, I very nearly smell that pie. Where is the day and the pie? I don’t know. It’s one of the basically disturbing things about being human, this awful backlog of afternoons and evenings, moments and loved ones, that don’t logically exist in the present. Where did they go? Aren’t they still somewhere?
When you’re older dreams take on more authority. They have as much reality as the news, or what you see at the supermarket. If those dreams have such power to jog my emotions and stir my spirit, what about those gleaming gems of memory – intense joy, understanding, grief, frustration, desolation? It's hard to believe they're not in some sideband of time, some back-file of reality.
Maybe my low blood pressure has something to do with these delusionary wonderings. When I get up quickly from any chair I swoon a bit, as the mass of my blood readjusts and causes new hydrostatic pressures in my brain. These bits of dizzy pause are unscripted by logic, current events or the flow of conversation. It's possible these transient lapses predispose me to see the world as less that absolute, a garment sewn up loosely.
My doubts about the absolute nature of reality don't seem to affect my skeptical regard for acupuncture, chiropractic, Scientology, homeopathy or prayer breakfasts, but it casts a shadow of doubt on the whole damn river of time.
BRAXINOSO SPEAKS
As Himself grows older, he's more aware of his own lapses of sanity, as well as these lapses of swooning consciousness. He's often confided that he's crazier than he thought he was. One of his recurring fears is that he's lost critical opportunities because folks can sense his instability. True, he's a nutball, but I have less respect for most people's sensitivity than he does. The great majority of humanity wouldn't know their ass fell off unless they sat down quickly.
William Shakespeare, Henry IV
A friend's mother-in-law just died, and another friend's mum is teetering on the brink. Recently I lost my dear mentor, Matt Finn. What can you say to friends, what can you say to yourself, about death?
We can't understand how folks depart, leave the husk, and don’t return. It’s not in our human makeup to grasp this finality. They leave, gone, that's it. All that experience, all those stories, all that humor . . . Gone. How can that be?
I’m an old dog and I still can’t get my logic around it.
I’m not comfortable with churches. Despite my science reporter’s background (or, perhaps, because of it) I’m certain that a benign current underlies our reality. But I can’t support the idea of ghosts or heaven or souls, if only because it would be too damn comforting to have these hedges. So I don't expect the Ghost of Christmas Past or my Uncle Pete to shuffle through rattling chains. I don't expect to continue in any way after I check out.
What bothers me most is the reality of what was. How can a day forty-five years ago – in late fall on a hillside in the mountains of West Virginia, when hickory nuts fell from the trees rattling on branches, and I felt the soft hand of Becky Barlow’s hand in mine – not be as real as what I see outside my window now? How can my mother's pies not be still as fragrant as the moment before they were cut, still warm? I see those times, I very nearly smell that pie. Where is the day and the pie? I don’t know. It’s one of the basically disturbing things about being human, this awful backlog of afternoons and evenings, moments and loved ones, that don’t logically exist in the present. Where did they go? Aren’t they still somewhere?
When you’re older dreams take on more authority. They have as much reality as the news, or what you see at the supermarket. If those dreams have such power to jog my emotions and stir my spirit, what about those gleaming gems of memory – intense joy, understanding, grief, frustration, desolation? It's hard to believe they're not in some sideband of time, some back-file of reality.
Maybe my low blood pressure has something to do with these delusionary wonderings. When I get up quickly from any chair I swoon a bit, as the mass of my blood readjusts and causes new hydrostatic pressures in my brain. These bits of dizzy pause are unscripted by logic, current events or the flow of conversation. It's possible these transient lapses predispose me to see the world as less that absolute, a garment sewn up loosely.
My doubts about the absolute nature of reality don't seem to affect my skeptical regard for acupuncture, chiropractic, Scientology, homeopathy or prayer breakfasts, but it casts a shadow of doubt on the whole damn river of time.
BRAXINOSO SPEAKS
As Himself grows older, he's more aware of his own lapses of sanity, as well as these lapses of swooning consciousness. He's often confided that he's crazier than he thought he was. One of his recurring fears is that he's lost critical opportunities because folks can sense his instability. True, he's a nutball, but I have less respect for most people's sensitivity than he does. The great majority of humanity wouldn't know their ass fell off unless they sat down quickly.
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